More Than Ok

How My Struggles Became My Compass

It was a difficult diagnosis to receive. One that had considerable meaning. Since the diagnosis I have been unraveling. Shedding parts of myself. Discovering new meanings. Recognising and connecting to other parts of self. It has also been a tough year. One scattered with mental illness, trauma, grief all within my close family circle.

I thought I knew more. Had read more. Listened more. A part of me responding to the realisation that discovering and absorbing information is never ending. It is a continual state of evolution. I have by no means figure it all out. I am not sure I ever will.

Before I sat down to write this, I was watching a clip about how sensory stimulation negatively affects some people with ADHD. Discovering how much more sensitive I am, then calming it, has allowed me to notice when I am feeling uncomfortable to understand the reasons why.

In the last few days I have felt cut off from the world. I chose to be. With my husband away in the UK attending his late father’s funeral. Knowing I was supposed to be there, has been very unsettling. I was supposed to be there too, standing beside him, supporting him.

Not thinking about nor understanding the rules of the recent changes of entry to the UK with dual citizenship, I failed to update my British passport. Unable now to use my Australian passport for entry to the UK. I immediately applied and was refused a compassionate emergency document, stating in their opinion, my application was not considered an emergency. I was simply not allowed entry. So I am not there. I am here. Cancelled flights, bookings and reservations all done.

The injustice - my stress levels doubled as my flight mode switched on. All I wanted was to go. All I could do was stay. I felt I had let my husband down. He had already flown over solo to his brother’s funeral less than six months ago. In times of grief, in times of stress we need each other. People need the ones they love. I accepted the things I could not change.

As I lent out our home to my son for a weekend getaway with his friends. I found a cosy Airbnb and headed off to the coast for a couple days last weekend. I had a relaxing and quiet two days on my own. Walking along a beach with sand in my shoes and shells in my pocket - the time away gave me food for thought.

I realised I am becoming more aware of my thoughts around my feelings on decisions of self care, self awareness, self regulation. My feelings have always been strong and have literally carried me through my life. So, how am I noticing more and becoming more of myself? This needs further thought I said to myself.

I made a decision this morning to give up my place and cancel a yoga and art retreat I would have been going on in August. It was a very hard decision, but the right one for me. I have changed since I signed up over 18months ago and the world around me has changed. Priorities shift and I need to consider others.

Sometimes in life needs and desires become less important than being present for those that need you in a particular moment/time. I thought deeply about this and decided this is how I am becoming more of myself. I would have still felt I needed to go away on retreat. In reality I didn’t ned to this time. Something more important needs my attention, time and energy.

Having done so much self-development in the last 14-15 years since my eldest son died, I notice when the shift happens. I am again feeling all the changes and being aware of those feelings - the shift is happening. It’s thought provoking to know we bring about changes in our life by feeling into these shifts. We feel into the change and then we make decisions based on those intuitive feelings.

I came to the realisation that I have put so much energy into growing my mind over this long period of my life. I strongly believe it is always beneficial to re-focus priorities and desires on a continual basis to be a better version of myself.

Looking forward, there is a way of looking at your past with compassion and renewed interest to re-visualise where it may take you. For me, this is now forward onto the next stage.

What will that be I ask myself? I have a few ideas which I will be writing about once I have done some research, planning and visioning.

I keep telling myself freedom arises when maintaining my own pace with life.

By creating my own roadmap using my unique intuitive compass.

I have acknowledged what we share as artists is not just our words - it is our soul, and that is why it’s so scary and vulnerable at times. Knowing I have loved and laughed, cried and screamed, and yet realising I am still the same soul living my very human life. Creating my momentum with the learned and honed skills where anything is possible and everything is worth while. What is important is to put meaning back into life one day at a time. To keep moving forward into my own flow of life. That is what I am aiming for. And that’s ok, its more than ok - it’s my guiding compass.

Photo by Robin McSkelly on Unsplash